“There is something in the nature of all play that is not serious, but at the same time can be sincere.” ~ Alan Watts
As I’ve written in several of my books, I used to live above a shop called The Jester, located along the boardwalk strip in Virginia Beach. It was an old, converted theater with yellow stucco and brown trim as well as Spanish-style arches, and a giant wrought iron gate closing off the courtyard, which led to apartments on each side. The steps on the left led to my unit and the steps on the right led to others. The landlord and store owner, a brown-haired hippy who had a Ramone’s haircut and wore large round glasses, sold knives, drug paraphernalia and various occult items. The location across the street from the ocean suited me just fine. This was where my journey began after I moved out of my parent’s house. It thrust me into a world of occasional cold days and missed meals, and yet intense occult exploration, so I probably didn’t notice that times were difficult. Besides, I sometimes stopped by my parents’ house after work to get warmed up and eat dinner a few times a week before heading back to my place. I even tried to keep a few dollars on hand for kerosine for my heater, and never let myself get too damaged health-wise, though the occasional freezing nights made me well aware of the harshness of this world, while my inner world contained all the wonder and richness I ever needed.
For some reason, I always enjoyed the fact that I lived above a store called by that name as if a joker was chuckling at my impending doom. As I mentioned, on the other side of the courtyard, there was a staircase leading to other apartments and they were nestled above a strip club. I considered it to represent The Lust Card. I guess I was living between them.
Browsing in the store downstairs with overpriced things I couldn’t really afford, I bought one item, a butterfly knife, to add to my collection while smoky incense soothed me with its mingling with a bit of pot wafting from the back room as I looked through mainstream occult books. I had already amassed many titles and these didn’t impress me, so I headed upstairs to my sacred space. No doubt, this was an education in life and in the hidden world I was embarking upon. The whole energy of this place was a little sinister, mixed with the salty ocean air and lusty beachgoers passing by the gate on their way to play in the sea and sand, as well as a few loitering homeless people carrying a heavy aura of desperation as they asked for coins. All I knew is that I was near the beginning of my adventure and had far to go. Who knows how I’ll end up?
“The edge which opens up on the depth has no terror; it is as if angels were waiting to uphold him, if it came about that he leaped from the height....He is the spirit in search of experience.”- The Pictorial Key to the Tarot, by A.E. Waite
Some days were dark days, with me looking down the staircase, wondering if I should jump. It was something I’d say to myself; not that I’d ever hurt myself. It was more about jumping past my fears, which I symbolized as any ledge. Doing my best to get by, I told myself I just needed to find my balance and I trust that I’d find my way through life just fine. I even bought Harlequin and Jester-type masks to hang in my house at one time. I loved the colors and glitter and mystery associated with them. I also hung a black mask on a sword, ever aware of the symbolism of the mask and wanting to honor its history and traditions.
“Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.” ~ Rumi
I worried about physical harm at times, especially my days in the deep South. Besides that, people nowadays don’t want to read books of occultists who aren’t perfect. Of course, we don’t have to accept their faults, or hide or excuse even our own. People can use their own judgment or be as judgmental as they wish, which most people do without realizing it. But we can also choose to focus on the Work itself and see what value it contains or not. Sometimes, we are just a vehicle for ideas to be put out in the world. Many great writers and artists lack social graces while terrorists and serial killers can be exceptionally charming on the surface; showing that our culture is hung up on superficiality. And seem to prefer it. People avoid any kind of contradiction or challenge. They freely bow to corrupt gurus and politicians, while ignoring and hating those who try to free them from their mental chains. Freedom and relying on oneself is seen as more terrifying. And they don’t trust those who tell them that the answers are within.
Guess what? We’re all humans. Also, I can be moody, not like company and not good with social graces. I want to laugh out loud even if sometimes inappropriate or cry at touching moments. I long to feel deeply and trace my scars with my fingers as I smile that I faced something terrifying and can sit in the calm afterwards; feeling my strength I didn’t know I had. So maybe that is not what people expect. I don’t know. I’m not a vacant blond trying to be sexy like a magazine ad, which is what I think some people wanted me to be. I’m too deep and turbulent for that. I need to find something that expresses what I’m going through. Maybe a clown at a rodeo would be a good comparison.
To be honest, I’ve often hated clowns. I find the clown image complicated. Some seem creepy and just suited for horror movies these days. That wasn’t always so. As a child in the 70’s, I happily chose a clown costume on Halloween to wear to kindergarten. Back then, you could wear it to school and I couldn’t wait to see what the others went as. I felt empowered as a clown and being able to be silly and not concerned with anything outside of joy. My sister went as a witch that year. Looking back on it, the clown costume seemed silly, but I didn’t care. Soon after, with the story of a serial killer associated with clowns and movies like Clowns from Outerspace, I started hating the creepy clown image. It seemed both childish as I grew up and yet tainted by the sinister.
It wasn’t until I got my first tarot deck from the mall at age 16 that I first paid close attention to the Fool and I revisited what a clown might stand for. I wanted that empowerment I briefly found and quickly lost. As I pondered the puckish image, it pulled something from within and it helped me find opposites when I needed them. It kept me from going too far to the other side of sadness. Even now, I walk around jokingly telling my husband Paul that we’re doomed whenever anything goes wrong. I’m a pessimist, so I need to laugh at myself and not stay so dark.
The joker, the Fool is more than the light and airy. Let us look into it further. The Book of Thoth is a good place to start:
“It is the first of the three Mother letters, Aleph, Mem, and Shin, which correspond in various interwoven fashions with all the triads that occur in these cards, notably Fire, Water, Air; Father, Mother, Son; Sulphur, Salt, Mercury; Rajas, Sattvas and Tamas.
The really important feature of this card is that its number should be 0. It represents therefore the Negative above the Tree of Life, the source of all things. It is the Qabalistic Zero. It is the equation of the Universe, the initial and final balance of the opposites; Air, in this card, therefore quintessentially means a vacuum.
In the medieval pack, the title of the card is Le Mat, adapted from the Italian Matto, madman or fool.”- Book of Thoth
They say there is a fine line between madman and Genius. Then again, if you are like Galileo, Socrates, or other similar figure throughout history, you are a fool, a witch or a danger. A Fool tells people the difficult truths that people don’t otherwise want to hear.
Now let us look at other particulars of this card:
“This card is therefore both the father and the mother, in the most abstract form of these ideas…(It is necessary to acclimatise oneself to this at first sight strange, idea. As soon as one has made up one's mind to consider the feminine aspect of things, the masculine element should immediately appear in the same flash of thought to counterbalance it. This identification is complete in itself) philosophically speaking; it is only later that one must consider the question of the result of formulating Zero as “plus I plus minus I”. The result of so doing is to formulate the idea of Tetragrammaton.” Book of Thoth
Come. Take that leap with me.